My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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