I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
