Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
