apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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