I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
