I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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