after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
