im drinking this country out of the recession.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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