So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
