Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
