talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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