i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
