tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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