she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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