I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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