I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I have grass duct taped all over my body
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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