I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
