I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
