"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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