I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
