When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
