I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
