What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
