the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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