my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
