why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
