If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
