I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
