Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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