On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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