No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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