he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
