Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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