I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
You smell like stripper and shame
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
