If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just google imaged poop.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
