Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
