You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
