he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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