I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
