How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
