So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
