she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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