i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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