I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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