Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
