Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
