I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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