I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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