i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
