fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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