You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
